Holiday Hoopla

Noah loved the holidays. He loved all of it, the decorations, the holiday-themed parties and events, the food, the music, and the time we spent with family and friends. “Holiday hoopla” was a phrase we tossed back and forth a lot.. Holiday hoopla is any sort of shenanigan happening during any holiday season, but especially in the Winter Holidays. When we’d shop and the stores would be overflowing with Christmas decorations, he’d point and giggle, “Let’s go check out the holiday hoopla, Mom!”. So, we’d wander the Christmas section at Meijer, or Target, or any store, checking it all out, and of course something ridiculous would inevitably fall into the cart as I fell victim to his giant blue eyes, oh-so-soft hand on mine, and sweet little voice doing the ask-but-don’t-ask maneuver “we could maybe get this one, Mom” (those who knew him know exactly what I’m talking about, no one who encountered it was immune to his ways)

His favorite Holiday Hoopla involved people. He loved to be surrounded by his people, especially at the holidays. There was such joy vibrating through his little body whenever he could put on a Holiday Tie and hang out with his Mimmy and Pops, Aunts, Uncles and Cousins. He’d sit among the chaos, listening and laughing, absorbing and returning all the joy and laughter, love and light swirling around him. Presents were a lovely addition, but they were not the central part of his love of the time. Give him an iTunes card (or three), maybe a pair of khakis and a dress shirt, and he was happy. For him it was the gathering of the people and his connection to the love surrounding him. And because he loved it so much, so did I.

I loved the holidays through him. The Others, that I’ve spoken about before, had done some damage to me, you see. For me, on the holidays especially, I had to be careful. If I dressed incorrectly, or laughed too loud, or bought the wrong gift (even if it was on a list somewhere), or hung the decorations wrong, or stepped out of a line I couldn’t see, or broke the unwritten rules that changed constantly, the holiday was ruined. I’m an excellent learner, and it didn’t take too many fights I couldn’t win to teach me that the holidays were not to be enjoyed, they were to be approached with trepidation and worry about how I would screw it up this time. Even when They were technically gone, the lessons remained burned into my brain. So I slapped a wall around it and tried to love the holidays through Noah.

He had enough joy and love to give that it worked. I could stand distant, behind the wall, and love that he loved them. And I could pretend that I was healed, free, and everything was OK. That gift giving and receiving didn’t give me anxiety over not being grateful enough, the gift I gave wasn’t good enough or thoughtful enough. That I was putting decorations in the wrong places, or they weren’t nice enough, or, or, or. I won’t bore you with the litany; rather, I’m not ready to revisit the whole litany. Noah loved all that, so I was determined to give him what he loved.

I think I succeeded. I have tons of memories that warm my heart that involve the holiday season. His joy at getting “khakis and the Swedish Chef”one year. (PS good luck finding the Swedish Chef from the Muppets at anything but a specialty store). Him tossing the dot to dot and coloring books over his shoulder, saying “These look like work” as he reached for the next one. His elation at getting the newest version of his iDevice, not letting anyone touch it so by-Jesus-Santa-had-better-have-set-that-shit-up-ahead-of-time. His pride at finding the perfect Christmas tie and then making the rest of us dress up on Christmas Eve, much to the uncles dismay. And sooooo many more.

It’s with gratitude at those memories that I’m working to unlearn all the conditioning from the Others so that I can truly channel his joy and laughter, love and light as my own. The holidays are a time for family, for gratitude, for celebration of whatever religion you come from or no religion at all. It’s a time to slow down, to breathe, to reflect and to renew. I’m working to find the pieces of me that went into hiding in order to survive the Time of the Others, to bring them forward, and to embrace and enjoy without the shame spiral I was taught by Them.

Of course, my boy is working his Universal Magic in support of this. Dragonfly Moments are everywhere, and every time I turn around it feels like I’m getting a Universal Throat Punch filled with grace and space to heal. His last message to me while he was on this Earth was a big one, and I draw on that quite often to remind me the conditioning of the Others is to be unlearned, dismantled and burned in order to be who I truly am. I’m learning to absorb the grace and space that surrounds me now, which helps unravel the shame spiral, which shines light into the corners of my soul. Sure do miss you, Little Biscuit. Let’s go find some Hoopla.